German kissing romance

My first sexy time with a German took place in a closet during a house party in Paris. Then, a year later, a Germanic rogering came to pass in the showers of a Romanian hostel, and a little after that I boinked my third German in a park in Berlin.

These, by the way, are the only times I’ve ever had sex in semi-public places — I’m not a particular fan — but presumably German women are, well … into that? In any case, those tall, alluring gals can certainly charm a guy into things.

It was, finally, German # Vier who I was able to sweet-talk home to my very favorite sex spot: the bed. And this was where I learned the Crucial Factor in Planning Sex Romps with Germans.

She — Vier — looked carefully over the bed and for a moment I thought she was going to bolt. “Don’t you have another blanket?” she said.

I did not. I’m a nomad; I don’t have extra stuff. There was one blanket, a large one, draped over the double bed of the room I was renting for that month.

“Do you get cold easily?” I asked. It was a relatively warm summer night.

“No,” Vier said. “But if you use that blanket, where’s my blanket?”

I assumed she had suddenly decided that sex was off the table and was indicating as much; I sheepishly went to the housemate, who was able to scrounge up an extra blanket for us.

But it turned out sex was very much on the table, er, bed — just the way I like it.

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Later on came the explanation, the moment of cultural revelation: It turns out that Germans think that even couples who are banging each other like crazy all night ought to have separate blankets.

The proper preparation for a long night of German passion

If you must have German passion in a bed, it should be made like this.

I know, you’re asking, trembling with appalled indignation, doesn’t the use of individual blankets discourage cuddling?

The answer is yes, while bouncing on each other still works out fine, this arrangement does rather discourage cuddling. But recall that this is a culture that likes to rap knuckles on the table instead of kissing goodbye.

And sure, it’s tragische to not have an after-bang cuddle, but, you know, these alluring Germans can talk a guy into things.

Got your own eye on a German delicacy/creampuff/hunk? May you now plan appropriately.

Women who are hoping to seduce German men will also want to heed this advice (really about the Dutch, but it is also pretty applicable to Germans).