If your Brazilian kiss doesn't feel like a dental exam, your mouth isn't open wide enough. Photo in Nitoroi by Szymon Kochanski.

If your Brazilian kiss doesn’t feel like a dental exam, your mouth isn’t open wide enough. Photo in Nitoroi by Szymon Kochanski.

The beijo, or Brazilian kiss, is a full-on facial and salival assault. It is used to express attraction, make nearby exes jealous, and to find out if a complete stranger has something stuck in his teeth.

It is very frequently performed; in fact, if you spend a night out dancing or in bars and you don’t manage to kiss a cute stranger, you are a casanova manqué and might as well go get a cat.

A few things to know about Brazilian kissing:

1. Brazilian guys go for the kiss within about five minutes of meeting someone (five seconds during carnival). A typical approach is to loom in aggressively with the mouth stretched to a yawn, tongue waggling like an excited puppy.

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2. A female response may be “Não, para com isso, meu deus!” (“No, stop it, my god!”) while leaning in, mouth wide open, to receive the kiss. If, however, the female actually does not wish to be kissed, she may say the same while sticking a finger in the man’s mouth or nose, or she may just slap him.

3. Brazilian kisses are disgusting. Mouths are wide open, tongues graze the backs of throats, slobber dribbles on the ground.

4. The Brazilian bunda (ass) is considered sacred ground. You can and should wildly grope your kissing buddy in public (Brazilian PDA looks basically like sex with clothes on), but if a hand grazes the gluteal region expect things to come to a quick halt.

A few more rules are demonstrated in this video, taken on the streets of Lapa in Rio:

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 UPDATE: December 4, 2013

Dearest Brazilians,

Just to address your comments below:

1. SOURCES: As with almost all of the blog, this information is mostly NOT based on personal experience. In this case, it’s also NOT based on talking to Brazilians — of course no Brazilian is going to describe their kisses this way, as for them, theirs are simply normal kisses. These descriptions of Brazilian kisses come from conversations with countless foreigners who all pretty much describe their kisses with Brazilians in the same way.

2. “DISGUSTING”: This is a bit of hyperbole. I absolutely love sloppy drooly Brazilian kisses! So do many other gringões. Don’t worry, dear Brazilians, não se preocupe não, vamos beijar vocês ainda….