Christopher Ryan (left) and Dan Savage, the night of the pissing lesson. Photo courtesy of Chris Ryan.

Christopher Ryan (left) and Dan Savage, the night of the pissing lesson. Photo courtesy of Chris Ryan.

“I’m standing there pissing and America’s most famous gay guy is standing next to me telling me what I’m doing wrong,” Christopher Ryan PhD said of the impromptu lesson he received from Dan Savage.

Ryan — who, incidentally, identifies as quite straight — related the story on his podcast, Tangentially Speaking. Ryan is the co-author of TP-required-reading Sex at Dawn, an inquiry into the promiscuity humans naturally exhibit when not tamped down by agriculture-based civilizations. Urinary advisor Savage is better known for his sex-advice column, books, and podcast Savage Love.

We’ve had both of these guys in the links section at the bottom right since TP’s inception, but I’m concerned that some of you slackers may have missed this, at 1:27:00 in episode 31 of Ryan’s podcast. The entire episode (and series) are worth devouring, but this particular incident is such gem, such an important meeting of America’s great minds, that I’m going to quote it here in full (with thanks to Ryan for permission).

Ryan was talking to comedian Ari Shaffir about a night out with Savage, who had taken him out for Ryan’s first bear bar (a rendez-vous point for hairy, manly gay men):

Ryan: So after the bear bar … [Savage] was like, “Man, I gotta take a piss.” I said, “But […] we can’t piss in the street in New York, we’ll get arrested.” And he was like, “Oh no, don’t worry.” So we went into this somewhat dark street and he went over to piss and I was pissing on this tree. And I thought I was clever — I had my phone out. I’m looking at my phone but I’m sort of holding it down in the normal place where —

Shaffir: Letting your dick freestyle?

Ryan: I was freestyling, yeah, on this tree.

Shaffir: Smart.

Ryan: […] Yeah, I thought I was doing well. But Dan comes over and he was like, “Look, you don’t know how to do this.”

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Shaffir: You rookie!

Ryan: He says, “First of all, you should hold the phone up here” — and he pulls the phone up to eye level — “because you want to pull attention away from the dick area.”

Shaffir: Oooooh! Good thinking.

Ryan: So the phone’s up at eye level, and he says, “The other thing is you have to sway your hips, so your piss doesn’t all land in the same spot and make that metallic splashing sound that it’s making right now.” I’m standing there pissing and America’s most famous gay guy is standing next to me telling me what I’m doing wrong. And the lack of hip-swaying was my major crime. You have to move it all about so you’re always hitting fresh ground and not getting that splash.

 

Shaffir goes on to mention this video, which I have to say provides even more brilliant advice on public urination.